Despair,literally and figuratively.

Well I donno what it is that made me sit down to type at my keyboard for my blog after such a long time.Maybe it's the worries and...you know...well...sudden blinding realisations that come and strike you in the face like a wet slap on a freezing cold winter morning-the pain is sharp,piercing,short lived but it leaves an indelible everlasting impression on the mind-tormenting it for hours to follow.

Why it had to be this way I just do not know.Honestly.Sincerely.It's been ages but the memory still remains.I really poured my heart out today.Its just when you start to establish some sort of a justifiable rapport with anyone that someone somewhere decides its been enough.Wham.Bang.Ouch.Hurts real bad,doesn't it?Sure it does.Take some more don't be scared this is the great enigma called life after all.Grabs you by the scruff of your collar and slings you out on the hard pavement on your ear.When you're least prepared.

It all happened today.A very blinding realisation brought about by something very stupid that something's missing.A huge chunk of my heart.A void.Gaping chasm.Bloody fathomless ocean would seem more appropriate.Why it had to be this way i just have no clue.Maybe it's because of some bad karma generated by me in my previous life.Atonement for previously committed sins?The pain now is unbearable and suffocating.And its not so much about the pain or loss or suffering as the sense of futility of it all that is really mind boggling.The feeling of helplessness in the face of a much greater force.I mean it's not as if I'm gutted or devastated(I am actually what's wrong with me...hope its just a passing phase),ok maybe I am but these sentiments won't help make the pain any less.It's best to just deal with it in the best way possible.

What's amazing about this is the fact that I'm giving this a thought after such a long time.It's as if these hidden feelings had to surface on their given day.I have an IS-LM test tomorrow for which i haven't studied a word.Won't be able to.Not today.

Is this impractical?I guess so.Emotional?Definitely.It's as if everything's suddenly turned topsy turvy.But It'll be ok :)

I've stuck through this for a more longer time than anyone can possibly imagine.Cruelty is something I've managed to take in my stride.So is adversity.So is the false love exhibited by certain people who pretend to be your truest well-wishers but are never there when you really need them.Oh no.Wouldn't that be expecting too much from them?!Be reasonable.It's only when you manage you lift yourself out of the quagmire you had found yourself in that these angels in human form call on you with their false sympathies and pretentious smiles.

"I'm so very happy for you!!!Really!Nothing could have made me happier."Lousy Bastards.Who needs friends when you've got enemies like these unwanted relatives.It does seem sometimes that there's no end to them really!We're not the ones who are actually going to their place and telling them as to how to run the show so could they please mind their own business?!Or would that be expectin too much of them,seeing as most of them are bored housewives(nothing on the good ones though.I know a few with a heart of gold) anyways with no purpose in life whatsoever.Its a bit difficult for me to digest really.

Its just somehting I have for the printed word and typing on a keyboard that really endears some things to me in more ways than i could possibly imagine.I mean,even I could never have fathomed the way the realisation dawned on me when I saw it in print.And the fact that that i had so many thoughts hidden in my brain,just waitin to be unleashed.I needed this.

It was very beautiful while it lasted.But then again the experience taught me many precious lessons.

1)Nothing lasts forever,so you've got to treasure it with all your heart and soul while it does.Trust me,you'll regret not having done so when it actually ends,or is taken away from you,without any prior warning.

2)Your spirit is indomitable.Unshakeably strong.It will never bend until and unless you cause it to and will never desert you in your hour of need.Make full use of it.Never bend.Live life on yuor own terms.

3)Adversity makes winners out of losers.It gives you wings.Even you8'll be surprised to know as to how much you can possibly achieve if you utilise your full potential.You can work wonders.Adverse situations will be strewn along your path to help you understand that it is during times like these that you shouldn't bow down.Rather you should let your flag flutter high against the onslaught of the roaring wind to prove the might of yuor unshakeable convictions.You will survive.

4)Tragedy brings out the best in people.You'll never ever come to know that you had such tremendous tenacity to fight to the death,to lead a life of struggle unequal to that lived by anyone,all for the sake of proving that you care for your loved ones.And what care!

5)Time is the best healer.Period.

6)Loss is universal and you're not the only one.MOVE ON.Leave all that's occurred in the trash bin at the back of your brain and look forward to a life filled with unending joy(with tinges of sadness though).

Well I think that's about it.A note to all readers.You can comment in whatever language,with whichever hand and howsoever you may see fit.But you are absolutely,positively,not going to bring up this topic in front of me when/if you at all happen to meet me.And trhe last part may sound cliched but i can't help it if ,my mediocre writing skills do not suffice to keep your brain sufficiently engaged

Sing a song of sixpence

So...exams once again!First serious exam in about 4 months!But that still doesn't change the fact that I'm horribly underprepared.As usual!People been tellin me about how I've changed...become more reticent...'gone into hibernation' would be more like it
Well i wouldn't blame them.Life has become so mechanical.

Tomorrow for the first time in many months I am really gonna live again.Because my dear friend is in Kolkata.Yaayy.We're gonna drink to his health and binge on Old Monk,get drunk till we can barely remain in our senses,walk like unfeterred horses in rush hour city traffic,run around in dizzy circles,bhaat bokbo,do all sorts of unsavoury stuff we'd normally not have been capable of doing,hurl choiciest of anecdotes at each other,philosophise,utter random machinations,comment on the sordid state of today's society,what they very satirically and lovingly used to refer to as 'frustrated bangali'r chaayer dokaner adda' :P

Uff those days when the four of us used to sip tea in the chaayer dokan in front of anagh's house :'( really miss them.Not to mention returnin after every exam in THE CAR and the various amusing incidents that used to follow :D.With vintage Led Zep playin in the background,we're going to raise the roof.The sky's the limit.We're gonna act crazy.No make that crazier.Even more crazy.In fact layer upon layer of pure,unadulterated C.R.A.Z.Y would be insufficient to describe 'that' crazy elation we feel when we are re-united with our best buds from school after so many months.It's gonna be a day to remember.To Ayon Basu.To his health.To our camraderie.To our friendship.To our steadfast loyalty for each other.Is Anagh listening?Not to mention all the resta them.Hey fellas!!!Phew!Been a long time coming!

As for the exams...well I hope that even the 10th turns out to be as memorable as tomorrow!In a horrible state as far as I am concerned.As i write this,I am still left with 3 topics in consumer behaviour,NIA,the entire mathecon portion.But that's not to mention the 'brainstorming session' we're gonna have after the exam[:P].When I first joined Presidency I was like...damn...where's my kind of crowd?It felt so very frustrating to be like a rank outsider amidst everyone.

But after i got to know everyone in my batch a lot better I've made great friends with each and everyone of them.I've learnt not to be overtly critical and make adjustments when necessary.Especially the boys...really turned out to be my type...[soumya's 'incentives' for bringin me from my home to coll st which almost always used to culminate in us making a perilous journey to the rooftop :P]never could've asked for better 'foodies'[:P] as classmates than sayan and soumya and the rest of them really!cheers!toast!
Apart from that I've been feeling a drastic need to restructure my life and come out of this college cocoon I'd enveloped myself in...start paying attention to my old acquaintances and friends and learning the essence of life all over again.
Let's see what the murky future holds in store for me :)

''I'm the king of the castle
You're the dirty rascal
Crash into me
Lyin swimmin in your seas and your oceans
I can feel the wave crash into me
I will be your dixie chicken, if you'll be my Tennessee lamb
we can walk together down in Dixieland
Yes, I see the waves
Come and crash into me.
See the waves come and crash into me.
Crash into me"

So I return.Don't have anything better to do I guess!But oi banglaye ekta kotha ache na-"Everything Happens for the best".So it does.I guess this was pre-ordained.So i might as well make the most of it.
After a few minutes spent in probing the innermost recesses of my soul and the outermost superficiality of my heart I have come to an important conclusion.
But the conclusion can only be arrived at after examining the causes...well...bunk...mood nei...will return later and keep this post to serve as a reminder of the fact that there is a time and place for everything and wanting to write a blog on a Sunday morning when my entire house is filled with the raucous cries of delight usually associated with hyperactive parrots after their first successful lesson in the phonetics concerned with the english language is not the ideal time...cheerio!

Words

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We,as normal human beings,are often subjected to the abnormal habit of spewing forth inanities,profanities,absurdities and abuses,coupled with the strangest desires to get up from our bed at the crack of dawn and save the world when emotionally,mentally,spiritually and intellectually charged!
Fuck man!I just wrote that!I should feel exceedingly proud of myself and blush a vivid red colour commonly associated with red herrings at the peak of their 'mating abilities'.Pervert I am.Lol.

Maybe i should give myself a pat on the back.Or a real hearty and wholesome treat that sets my taste-buds tingling with the kind of orgasm usually felt after cracking the entire daily crossword.Or maybe i should stick my tongue out in search of dollops of hot chocolate sauce dripping from the heavens.Aaah.

This sort of tasteless and at the same time seemingly innate digressions from the path of normality usually tread by the inconspicuous great is often looked down upon in the society in which we travel.Albeit very uncomfortably.Because popularistic trends are not the answer.Self-satisfying orgies are not the answer.Self-gratification and disgust at one's inactive self and wanting to save the world is not the answer.The answer is staring us in the face.The answer is here.The answer is now.The answer is in making the most of now.

Of utilising every thing that is precious.Of making the most of ill-gotten gains.Of usurping everything in your way and working for the greater good.Of forgetting the lofty talks about the past,future and the present.Of being pro-active.

Believe in God.Serve God.Feel divine bliss in His/Her gratifying presence and reassuring warmth.Marvel at the ease with which you can be your own God and alleviate poverty.It's just one phone-call away.

Trrring Trring...

[G stands for God and M stands for my name...all of us ordinary mortals]

G:What is it you want?

M:I want people to smile at my success stead of laughing at my misfortunes.Iwant the entire human race to smile when I smile and cry when I feel dissatisfied.I want that you shouldn't smite me for making such outrageous demands.I want that no demand should never be outrageous.I want peace and I want cliches.I want our spirits to be free.I want eternal dominion over land and water

G:Do you realise the utter impossibility of what you are saying!Do you realise that I admire you for your tenacity and courage to stand before the ultimate authority and make outrageous demands which would disturb the equilibrium of all that i have tried to create and protect?Do you realise what it would be like if my designs were to be plagiarised?

M:I see no design.I see no stitches.I see only the careworn features of hands that have gone unnoticed since time immemorial.I see blood.I see happiness and misery.I see less and understand more.I hear less and listen more.There is no courage.There is no cowardice.There is You and there is me.You look down upon me for the greater good you say.Your light hath blinded me and your trumpets have deafened me.Your blessings are like a jar of drinking water in the midst of a fathomless desert.My coherence is gone.Ugly digressions from the truth and vulgarity permeates the illiterate and the literate do not care.They pretend to laugh and the hollow voices ring like the oft heard-of 'ringin' plains of windy Troy'.Does the wind bear any news?

G:It does indeed.Have you tried to listen?Or do you just hear the faint rustling that is commonplace to those who do not matter in the grand scheme of things?It is only those who perceive the mystical architecture in the gusts of brilliance that have ever cared about the likes of you.

M:About the likes of me?!Who'd care about me?Who'd care about You?Does anyone care?About anybody?Even the art of pretence is losing it's audience for dearth of competence in acting...for even competence has a price now.It is the price paid for being able to secure your rights amidst the wrongs.The wrongdoers are the righteous and the religion of blasphemy is losing its way.The way of the righteous is perishing.

G:You blaspheme!

M:Do I?Does anyone nowadays?Blasphemy has changed like everything else which is constant must inevitably change.What uis blasphemy you ask? Blasphemy is caring for your aged parents.Wanting to be the harbinger of change.Putting a smile on those faces which have been bereft of muscles for some time.Ensuring a level playing field.Wanting to fly without wings.Wanting to challenge our compatriots to think beyond two square meals a dayy hwile thinking up absurd definitions which separate the extremely rich from the rich.For Poverty has vanished off the face of the earth to be replaced by starvation.

G:But what exactly are you trying to portray?Has not the rate of so called poverty been reduced?Has not one percent of your Indian people been alleviated from the so called poverty-line in over 50 years of planning?Do you relise what a tremendous achievement that is?1%!!!In over 50 years!And that too when the poverty line is defined only in terms of square meals!!!Leave alone clothing,shelter,welfare,happiness,literacy and all other factors?!Shouldn't you gloat?!

M:I wasn't talkin about monetary poverty at all!You see O LORD when someone of your stature breathes in this manner how can we point fingers at our compatriots for failig to see beyond the obvious?!Poverty is crippling us.We are being starved of original thinkers.We are 'bread-line,bread-line and less' in our heidonistic mentality when it comes to loving our fellow human beings,fair or dark,man or woman.We are soul-starved in the way we perceive beauty.Not as a tool to be used as an excuse for submission at a Goa beach but rather as an eye-opening insight into the ugliness with which we view our own inner beings.Thought-expectancy as is the case with our own expectancies regarding fellow human beings,regarding purity of the soul,regarding the remote possibility of a fulfilling night at the opera which would would be a welcome break from the monotonous humdrum of our daily existence,regarding the possibility of a person endowed with all the qualities associated with the weaker sex enjoying a fulfilling,safe,and worry-free night out,regarding equality of wages,regarding smooth transitions of theories from paper to the playground,regarding stress-free sedatives,regarding our existence,regarding the possibilities of an eternal clear-blue sky,are low.

G:Do you always talk like this or is this just a passing phase?

M:It can never be a passing phase.It is here.It is now.The moment has arrived.

G:To do what?

M:To dream.

G:To dream?

M:And indulge in very fruitful and lip-smacking thoughts at the same time.

G(with a know-it-all smile usually reserved for hopelessly romantic idealists consummated by the fires of the ill-gotten passions of youth)And what will idle thinking achieve,may i ask?

M:Idle thinking will not achieve anyhting.Not anything constructive,at the very least.

G:Then what is this discussion about?

M:It is about you,not me.I've done my part.

G:Which would be?

M:I've set the wheel in motion.

G:How,my good man?How?

M:By thinking.By dreaming.By smiling when no one's watching.By daring to dare.By being different.By possessing the courage to sit in the ladies' seat in the compartment in the underground train in peak-hour traffic.By ensuring that the sword that brings mankind the truth which it has been seeking for so long is unsheathed.The sword of original thinking.The sword of chivalry.The sword of respect.The sword of my blood.Every drop of blood at the immolation altar is a direst rebuke to the supreme authority of He who rules.But the ruler will become the ruled.They who have dared to inspire the grand architecture of the wind and toiled till the sweat of their brow was one with the earth will will smile.The poor will become the rich.The same old cliches will triumph like they have time after time after time.The oft-repeated story will flutter to a different beginning.

G:If you could be a bit less cryptic,my good fellow?

M:I could if I had wished to do so indeed.But the effect of the dendrite is wearing off and I don't have extra polythene.I think I'll go now.

G:Do you mean to say you were high all this time?!!

M:Of course I was.Who believes in God nowadays?Why do you think there's so much happiness in the world today?You should have sought the clue the crow dropped on your head.

G:But do you have any idea as to how cliched this theme of yours will sound?

M:It's just an ordinary blog by an ordinary man,after all.Man for man.Woman for woman.The end is the beginning.Now where's my polythene?

*cheese*

Hah!my first blog...well there is a first time for everything i s'pose...maintaining a chronological order in a logical series of events is tough.Really tough.No make that really really tough.Exasperated?You bet.I could go on and on forever but,you see,as forever is a relatively relative concept...i'll stop with the crap here and get on to the real stuff...a few digressions here and there from the established pattern of coherence normally observed in a hamster in a wheel will be common...grammatical errors will be hard to spot but easy to locate...the sweat on your brow will increase tenfold as you make the painstaking effort to read through this seemingly incomprehensible collection of letters of an alien language...but do bear with the strain your corneas will be constantly subjected to and make the slightest of an effort...even if it only involves a few clicks on your contraption and a few punches on your keys...satisfaction will be guaranteed in waves upon waves of pure,unadultarated joie de vivre!happy cursing and raving and ranting and uttering all sorts of swear words!you should be ashamed of yourself!